Hello? Dad?

Daughter! You made it to Australia???

No… I’m in Iceland.

muffled yelling in the background… courtesy of mother

Iceland?!! Daughter… OK, be smart and be safe.

I’m still in shock that I’m here. Iceland’s been a wondrous experience thus far. I have two larger trips in store this weekend, but as of now, I still pinch myself when I wake up in the morning.

With the first step off the plane, I inhaled deeply and the air was so fresh, it felt as though I had never breathed in smoke a day in my life. The air was crisp and the temperature was cool enough to create goosebumps. Shit, I’m really here. 

Iceland has been the top destination on my list for quite some time now, and now that I’m finally here, I’m elated. For the past few days, I’ve just been wandering around aimlessly, but my wanders always lead me to great finds. I’ve walked so much, I pretty much have seen the entire city. Now it’s time to leave the city for a few, and go soak myself in the Blue Lagoon and climb down and into a volcano. Yes, you read that correctly; I’m going inside a volcano on Sunday, voluntarily.

Yesterday, I explored the phallological museum, which I should preface, shouldn’t even be considered a museum; a single room with three closet-sized rooms fitted within should be called an exhibition rather a museum. Anyways, I left knowing more about the animal kingdom’s different penises than I would like to know. As I entered the *exhibition, the clearly unamused Icelandic man sat in his swivel chair and glanced over at me. I cautiously approached him and asked whether if I should pay in the beginning or at the end. – Now, I know people pay at the end and not in the beginning, for everything. – So he lets me pay first and tosses the money back at me, instead of placing said money in my presented hand. So I thought, “you’re kind of being a dick right now…” but I resisted the urge to comment.

The first phallus my eyes locked in on was the Sperm Whale’s. Goodness gracious, the penis was practically the same height as me. All the other penises I looked at afterwards were in no comparison to any whale, with the exception of the Elephant’s penis. You see, a whale’s penis is more coned shape with the end being quite pointy. The elephant’s is similar to the thickness and cylindrical shaping of a log; the tip is rounded out, but just not as long as a whale. The thickness of the African Elephant’s phallus on display was about three manly man hands wrapped around. As I stood next to the protruding penis, reading up on Jonah Falcon’s endowment, an American lady goes, “I’ll do all the shock and awe without the mouth.”  And sure enough, she stood next to the penis grinning from ear to ear with her hands hugging the tip. Not sure if that’s any better.

yup.

Let me tell you about Jonah Falcon. This nerdy, brown curly haired dude, is a guy who is so well endowed, was pulled over by the TSA at San Francisco’s airport. They thought he was carrying a weapon of mass destruction, but really, it was a weapon of mass conception. Would you call it a mutation or a gift? A man whose penis is so massive, it hangs at 9 inches, flaccid, and 13.5 inches when fully erect. The true and reigning big daddy in the world. The best bit in his letter to Iceland’s phallological museum was when he wrote, “It would be an honor to have my manhood put on display, hopefully nestled between the sexual appendages of a sperm whale and a polar bear… I hope I don’t make either of those creatures jealous. May I suggest you call the exhibit ‘Jonah and the Whale.’”

behold the member whole with scrotum and both testicles from a 95 year old man. Donated from 1996.

Such a bizarre morning, but definitely informative. Perhaps I’ll visit Rotterdam when I’m in The Netherlands and go to the Vagina Museum. Hopefully this time, it’ll be a museum.

Later that day, Ryan, Joe, and I drove on the ring circle and visited geysers, waterfalls, an ecovillage, and a volcanic crater. A jam packed day where all I did was spit out phallus facts throughout the ride. Tomorrow holds the Blue Lagoon, which I understand is a tourist trap, but it’s one of those attractions where you must go to, so I’m splurging. Iceland for a few more days and off to Ireland I go.

mass inception? Filming people filming the pending geyser eruption

Ryan!

Gullfoss Waterfall – 32 meter – plunges in two stages

Sólheimar, ecovillage.

Kerið, Volcanic Crater. fun fact: Björk played here.

side note: Icelandic babies give the best side-eyes.