I sure know how to pick ’em.

I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve had lustful interests and a handful of successful “date” outings, but never a real partner. My first faux relationship happened during my sophomore year; I frequented a coffee truck right outside my college and the guy always made my coffee order. From there, we went on a few dates and him being the first guy I’ve ever dated, I put all my trust in him. I believed every word he said and admired his gestures. I then sublet my apartment to him since I was going to be gone for a few months.

I was a virgin, and he was a grown man with sexual experience.

I came back from my roadtrip and discovered he fulfilled his needs with a woman six years older than him. I trusted my gut and kicked him out of my apartment. After that moment, I realised his talent with words. He was a manipulative, sex-craved man and I was a naive, inexperienced girl.

Later down the line, I had a few more dates here and there but never pursued or been pursued further.

Now in Australia, I dated one man in the beginning of my stay, but he was upfront and truthful of his intentions and I appreciated it. Then I met this new man at work, who conveniently had just gotten out of a long term relationship. Six months since his break-up, he said he didn’t want to see anyone but me.

“I’m really happy with you.”

“I feel good when I’m with you”

“I really really like you.”

I, as a fool, believed him.

Fool me once, shame on you: check; fool me twice, shame on me: check check.

One day, I received a message request on Instagram. It was from his ex. I proceeded to screenshot the unnecessary long message to him, and my relationship with him has gone downhill ever since.

He’s back with his ex – my gut tells me – so I’ve made some Lemonade.

Having a relationship is like having additional emotional baggage. Another person to worry about their happiness and needs, and I have no time for that.

I want to feel appreciated and needed; I want a man to chase me; I want a man to try to get my attention; if he messes up, to go the extra mile to reestablish trust. I would do the same if I made a mistake.

In yet another failed attempt of a “relationship,” I’ve lost hope in that form of happiness. I’ve been so immature in focusing on doing things to spark guys interest in me, I’ve forgotten my worth. I’ve begun to doubt my skills, capabilities, intelligence, looks, and personality.

Why is it that I always choose those who’ll inevitably hurt me? Perhaps I’m a masochist; I do do Crossfit.

I do wonder if I’ll ever be loved by another human (parents not included). I also wonder if the guy’s interest wouldn’t have fallen had I not discovered the message request.

ANYWAYS

It’s time to grow up and stop caring about what others think, and more importantly, to stop comparing myself to others. It’s become as unhealthy as my binging of fries. To all my single ladies, don’t settle for anything less. Find a man who complements you. Through my misfortunes, I think I almost got it.