I have jokes.

Though most of the time, the jokes are on me. I joke about a lot of things: weight, race, politics, life… you name it. I make fun of myself so other people won’t. But three-quarters of the time, that way never really works, merely because I walk myself right into said jokes.

My childhood was a hectic and confusing one, which gives me the reason to believe why I act the way I act today. My mother enrolled me in a private school so that I could ignite my asian self earlier instead of later. (Born in September-next school year). So I was the youngest in my grade, and it had it’s perks. I was a smart panda those first two years in private schooling. Then mother decided to transfer me to a public school. I then thought I was way smarter than everyone else, and stopped trying, got lazy, and succumbed to what most people know today as- my inner dizty/californian self. It was around fourth grade when teasing and bullying started to take it’s toll on me. Third grade, I was settling into the superfluous cafeteria food and the school. Fourth grade was also the onset of my build of becoming the female replica of the Michelin man. Yes, I was a chubby, or as Gabriel Inglesias would say, a fluffy child. My mother dressed me well, and I added the excess… I mean accessories.

I was made fun of my weight from the age of 8 all the way til… oh yes, still to this present day. Though it has died down quite a few levels, the taunting still lingers around. I know heard of many people who have been teased about their weight, and I feel for them. I know how you feel. Kids and adults were teasing me of my weight and later when they found out my real name, they began to connect the two together, which in translation- called me a whale. Literally, all my life I have been ashamed of my real name. Sure teachers would say, “that’s a beautiful name!” In my head I say, “you have no idea.” Slowly, I have become to accept my real name and will tell people if they asked. My real name is Shan-Yu. Keep the dash please, because my middle name is non-existant and is not “you.” Thanks. Can you think of the childhood nickname I was called for a good ten years? Shamu- the killer whale who visitors gawked at whilst chowing down their popcorn at SeaWorld.

Do you remember those “Yo Mama so fat” jokes? If you were a 90’s kid, I’m sure you do. Well, that joke was so overused, that kids decided to substitute my name for “yo mama.” “Abby’s so fat, when you drove your car around her, you ran out of gas.” And continue this rendition for another year or so. Did I mention I was also on a synchronized swim team? oh yea, I looked like a walking bomb in my black swim suit during meets. I had a wicked Guido tan too, so you could have deemed me as a Maori… or a sumo wrestler. If being ridiculed by my classmates weren’t enough, my own extended family made fun of me too. This goes on into why I don’t like my own race, but that’s a story for another day.

My self-confidence will never be where Miranda Kerr’s confidence is at. I now have adapted to this mantra, “If it’s not your body, it’s not your business.” I always despised how the asian community wanted to know what I was doing with my life at all times. Who I was taking piano lessons from, where I was going to college, who I was interested in, why I was so fat, and so on. It’s no one’s business. It’s my life, and if I wanted to quit piano, or not go to college, change genders, or aspire to weigh 1,000 pounds, who are they to tell me I’m living my life wrong? I still think that I am fluffy, and it’s ok, I make fun of myself for it. I like to eat and I like to run. I balance everything out. So I’m not a size 2, who am I hurting? My “dream” of becoming a super model? Nope. I have been ridiculed all my life for everything I did and am doing. I am on that constant struggle of proving myself to everyone.

Weight a minute, if you say I won’t ever find “love” because of how I look and act the way I am, then why would I ever want “love.” To me, love is superficial and I don’t reckon I’ll ever be able to say that word. And if I do, damn.

To all the girls (and guys) out there who struggle with weight, teasing, and bullying, you can do it. I’m doing it right now. Find something that you love to do, pursue it, and prove to yourself that your life is fantastical. I found my heart aching for distant places. I know I will be leaving America for good once that sheet of paper inked with my bachelors degree is on it. I’m ready for the open-minded countries and people. I hope they’re ready to take me in.

Margaret Cho’s stand-up in 2009 was titled Beautiful. I am beautiful, whether you agree or disagree. I could care less.